


not broken

by yasi



Series: Ben Mitchell Week 2020 [1]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Ben Mitchell Week 2020, Depression, M/M, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:34:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27505411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yasi/pseuds/yasi
Summary: written for ben mitchell week 2020, day 1: you're not broken.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Ben Mitchell Week 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2021090
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	not broken

Ben knows something is wrong with him. He’s not sure if he was born wrong or if everything that happened to him growing up changed him so much that all that was left was this broken shell of a human being who was just pretending. Pretending to live, to love. 

Ben feels empty, no matter what he does. There is a big gaping hole inside of him and he doesn’t know how to fill it. He hates himself for it. That nothing is enough to make him whole again. Not even his little daughter. Who is the best thing that ever happened to him. Never mind that Ben managed to hurt her by leaving her. By not being there and not being a proper dad. Well, maybe that isn’t so bad. If Ben isn’t part of her life, he can’t ruin it, can he?! 

After all, how is Ben supposed to be a good dad if ne never had one? How is Ben supposed to be there for her, care for her, put her above everything else when his own father never did that? When all his dad ever wanted from him was to be a proper Mitchell? To be tough and strong and manly. Even back when he was a young boy. How can he hope to be better when all his role models have been terrible? When all the good people in his life left him behind? Longing for love but never receiving it? 

No, Ben thinks. He’ll never be a good dad or a good man. His dad had made sure of it. No matter how long and hard Ben had tried to resist him, in the end he’d succumbed to his father’s wishes. He’d tried to be the son his father had always wanted but it wasn’t in Ben’s nature to be that. To be a thoughtless thug. To enjoy inflicting pain, without a care. He guesses he’s suffered too much in his own life that he can’t watch other people go through the same hurt. 

It’s why he’s here, drinking away his pain. Or trying to, at least. He’s still nursing his first beer, though he’d drowned the whiskey he’d ordered with it in one go. Ben doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting here for. But the sip he takes from his beer now tells him it must’ve been a while, because it’s gone stale already. 

He sighs, debating whether to get up and get a new beer or to leave altogether. Go home. Well, not home. His dad won’t probably let him in anymore. Ben’s sure that when he gets to the house the front yard will be full of his things. It wouldn’t be the first time, would it? Phil Mitchell, father of the year. Ben snorts. 

“Penny for your thought?” says a voice. 

Ben blinks slowly, trying to shake off his suffocating thoughts. He blinks again, as if he’s waking up from a deep sleep. Finally, he looks up. The man in front of him looks nice. He’s big and tall, just the way Ben likes his men. He has a kind face, with bright blue eyes and a friendly smile. He’s holding two beers, one of which he’s holding out to Ben. He doesn’t seem to take it personally that it’s taking Ben so long to answer, he just smiles. When Ben nods, his smile grows impossibly large and he sits down, putting the offered beer in front of Ben. 

“If you wanna leave here a poor man, be my guest,” Ben says quietly. 

“Sorry?” the man asks, leaning in closer. And now Ben realises the pub is full of punters. It’s loud all around them. How he’d managed to tune out so many people, Ben’s not sure. 

“You said a penny for my thought, and I was just...” Ben trails off, feeling himself blush. He feels far away from himself, so off that he can’t even flirt properly anymore. He shakes his head at himself and looks away. 

“Right, sorry, I just didn’t hear ya properly! I’m Callum,” Callum says, still smiling brightly. 

Ben looks up again and thinks someone has managed to capture sunshine and put it into a human form. That’s what Callum looks like, pure light and joy. Ben feels something tug on his heart. But it can’t be. Ben is broken, not able to feel like normal people. 

“Don’t waste your time, mate. I’m not for you.” Ben wants to get up and leave but Callum’s hand on his own stops him. 

“Shouldn’t that be my decision?” he asks, still holding on to Ben’s hand. 

“You don’t know me, Callum. Trust me when I tell you I’m not worth the effort.” 

“Seems to me that you are.” Callum lets go of Ben’s hand and takes a sip from his beer. It leaves his lips wet and Ben can’t help but stare. He shakes his head. This is not the night for a quick shag. It doesn’t matter that Ben would like nothing more than to climb Callum and let him do dirty things with those big hands of his. 

“I wish I was.” Ben smiles self-deprecatingly. “But I’m just this broken shell of a human being who doesn’t know anything about anything. With me in your life, pain and misery is all you’d get.” 

“Well, that sounds a bit dark.” 

“No, Callum. It’s just the truth. I don’t know how to be. I’m broken.” 

Callum doesn’t say anything for a moment, he just looks at Ben. With anyone else, Ben would feel uncomfortable, but with Callum he doesn’t mind the scrutiny. He kinda welcomes it. Which is absurd, he’s just met the man. 

“You’re not broken,” Callum starts. “You only think you are when in reality you’re just lacking practise. Let me show you how to live your life to the fullest. And maybe we’re both lucky and we’ll fall in love with each other. And that, too, we can master together. If you don’t give yourself the chance to experience life, how are you supposed to know better?” 

Ben blinks again. He’s not sure if Callum is making fun of him or if he’s being sincere. Either way, Ben feels kinda out of his element. 

“That sounds like a load of rubbish, to be honest,” he says, looking everywhere but at Callum. 

“You think so?” Callum asks, tilting his head sideways. Ben can feel his insistent stare. “And here I thought I was being profound.” He sighs. “Oh well. Still, wanna give me chance to show you that maybe I'm the one who’s bad for you? We could start with a little fun tonight.” He grins at Ben and wiggles his eyebrows. 

Callum looks ridiculous, but it makes Ben laugh. He can’t imagine that Callum, bright-faced sunshine in human form would be bad for anyone. But there is something about him that has Ben interested and Ben hasn’t felt that in such a long time that he gives in. He smiles and nods. 

“Deal. Show me your worst!” 

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos feed the muse ♥️


End file.
